Thinking...

Sometimes I think I do this sort of thing too much. Contemplate, that is. I wonder and I wander, I think and I meditate and and every now and then I lose myself in the world of "what-if's."

What if my life were different? ...Majorly different. What would I be doing now?

Oohrite. I'd probably be asleep.

And not up after midnight, thinking...

Wondering...

Wishing...

What if I was a different person? Would you love me then?

What if I had a different family life? An easier, more blissful one.

Family problems stink. I wish they didn't exist. I wish sin didn't exist.

What if I could re-wind to last year and live as I did then? For I was really and truly happy last year, and the first few months of this year.

Sure, I'm still happy. It just doesn't feel the same sometimes. I don't feel overflowing with gladness or joy or thankfulness like I usually do.

I feel that way right now.

Maybe that's because I'm a crazy person who stays up til the wee hours of the morning writing blog posts about nothing, just whatever I'm thinking, because I'm not motivated enough to go upstairs and grab my journal instead.

Or maybe I'm a cruel, cruel person who enjoys subjecting her dear sweet friends to such nonsense nothingness.

Right, that must be it.

I want something to change.

I need some motivation. Not just the kind that keeps me going through the day, but the kind of motivation that allows me to just STOP thinking about everything I've done wrong and everything I could've should've would've done right, if I had only made the right choice. I always think about those things at night.

They enter my mind before I sleep.

And I eventually drift away, but not before I pray.

Pray and praise God that "tomorrow is another day."

It's not that I haven't forgiven myself.

I just have too much to think about, I suppose.

Hopefully none of you will see this horrid blog post.

But if you do, please pray for me.

Pray that God will show me what He wants me to do.

I know, really vague. Man, my style is rather off so late at night, dontcha think?

Random side note: I've been reading too many Beverly Lewis Amish novels. I want to visit Lancaster County. And Europe (although the latter is not at all related; I've wanted to travel to Europe ever since I was young).

Bye everyone. Hopefully my next blog post shall be more immediate and cohesive. :)